I work at a fine establishment. We deal in imported coffees, teas, and fine pastries. We're an internationally acclaimed name. And we have a drive thru.
Every day people come through said drive thru and they purchase their coffee or tea or fine pastry hand me their money and say "keep the change."
Now I know what you're saying. "How nice! They appreciated your service and are returning the favor with a small gratuity!"
Wrong.
Now occasionally this actually does occur. Someone is impressed with my ability to press buttons on machines to dispense pre-measured amounts of dairy and sweetner to thicken and sweetened their overpriced cup of java. "Wow this is the greatest cup of coffee I've ever tasted!" they exclaim. "Please accept this quarter to understand the gravity of my thanks."
But this is rare.
More often than not, I hand the person their meal, they hand me their money. I smile and turn to get their change... they speed off. "I can't be bothered with 94 cents!" they're thinking. "Now if I were receiving a full dollar, sure I would wait. But 6 cents less! That's petty change!"
It's a cultural dilema. Americans do not like change (though somehow Obama one... ooh. zinger...). Case in point, the new gold dollars. Every once in a while someone will hand me one, and I'm shocked but, as is being discovered by bank tellers everywhere, people don't want to carry around change when they can carry neat bills.
Think of it in a practical sense. It doesn't make sense to carry around cents in your wallet since bills fit so neatly inside!
So what's the point?
There's almost no point. But I predict a future where americans carry around no change, to the point where change ceases to exist. Change will become a thing of the past, and that may be change to believe in.
Thought for thinking:
With the increase of calculator ability, does learning math become superfluous? With the increased of online dictionary/thesaurus ability, does using words like superfluous become less impressive?
10.24.2010
7.11.2010
Foreign Langauges
There's something about hearing two or more human beings conversing in complete gibberish that is appealing to me. I sit there and say to my self "self, why can't we speak a foreign language?" I mean, I've been taking french for five years, German for three, and basically I can say hello my name is in both (but in french I also know the names of a few cheeses and soups).
Technically (with a capital T, A, L, L,) I do speak a foreign language. But everyone (everyone) speaks English. Some people speak it better than others, (I happen to be fairly proficient)but there is almost no where in the world I can confidently speak English, and say innappropriate comments about others without them from understanding (with the exception of remote areas where there is no one else. But if there is no one to insult without them understanding, then what is the point at all?)
So I'm starting to try to learn sign language. I know the alphabet, so I can say everything and anything. Problem is, that it's slow. I also know a few basic sentences such as "I am going to a party" "I am going to a jew party" "I am going to a Jewish Mother Party" "I am going to the bathroom" "I am going to the bathroom party." That's basically it. I also know sunrise, sunset (or at least the way they told us to do it for a song in second grade),and applause. But even this language there are others in the world that know it.
So that's why I'm learning a made up sign language. I know all 26 letters in it and even numbers (but the numbers are super complicated and kind of annoying). My plan is to use this language, to travel the world, and comment on people's ugliness and what not.
Question?
How often do you use the backspace button? Remove it and then answer that question.
Technically (with a capital T, A, L, L,) I do speak a foreign language. But everyone (everyone) speaks English. Some people speak it better than others, (I happen to be fairly proficient)but there is almost no where in the world I can confidently speak English, and say innappropriate comments about others without them from understanding (with the exception of remote areas where there is no one else. But if there is no one to insult without them understanding, then what is the point at all?)
So I'm starting to try to learn sign language. I know the alphabet, so I can say everything and anything. Problem is, that it's slow. I also know a few basic sentences such as "I am going to a party" "I am going to a jew party" "I am going to a Jewish Mother Party" "I am going to the bathroom" "I am going to the bathroom party." That's basically it. I also know sunrise, sunset (or at least the way they told us to do it for a song in second grade),and applause. But even this language there are others in the world that know it.
So that's why I'm learning a made up sign language. I know all 26 letters in it and even numbers (but the numbers are super complicated and kind of annoying). My plan is to use this language, to travel the world, and comment on people's ugliness and what not.
Question?
How often do you use the backspace button? Remove it and then answer that question.
7.09.2010
The Reason for Political Corectness
Why are you politically correct? Yes, you sitting there at your computer screen. Your sitting all alone (maybe) and it's likely that no one will hear you. So at this very instant, think to yourself, why you're so concerned with being "politically" correct. The plain and simple answer is you shouldn't be so politically correct. I mean let's be honest. We are not politicians (and if you're a politician reading my blog, what are you thinking? To many problems to be reading this crap.) We should not have to be politically correct in every moment of the day.
Let's be perfect honest for another second. Being PC takes more time, effort, and really doesn't yield a better or greater product. Why, when talking hypothetically, should I refer to someone as "he/she?" If they are not a hermaphrodite than I don't think it's necessary. No one's feelings will be hurt if in one hypothetical the person is a guy, and in the next it's a gal.
Now don't let it sound like I want you to go around saying derogatory things to other people, and certainly don't go out of your way to offend. But in the end of the day, we're all strong people who can deal with an occasional incidental put-down (that being a put-down not intended as a put-down. Like a put-sideways?) We are not going to sue our school if on one test every denomination isn't somehow specified in the questions (NYS seems to think it is appropriate to ensure everyone in their standardized tests has really stereotyped racial names like Juan, Antonio, Jerome so that everyone can see they're being inclusive. It's really backwards thinking.)
If we can just take a second to see who we are talking to, before we talk, we may save some of this trouble. But for the most part, it seems that PC is an unfinished book, where the standards are always changing and you are always wrong.
Question of the day:
If you are going on a lame field trip with school, is it more exciting to be surprised by it? Or is it more exciting to go on an awesome pre-planned trip.
Let's be perfect honest for another second. Being PC takes more time, effort, and really doesn't yield a better or greater product. Why, when talking hypothetically, should I refer to someone as "he/she?" If they are not a hermaphrodite than I don't think it's necessary. No one's feelings will be hurt if in one hypothetical the person is a guy, and in the next it's a gal.
Now don't let it sound like I want you to go around saying derogatory things to other people, and certainly don't go out of your way to offend. But in the end of the day, we're all strong people who can deal with an occasional incidental put-down (that being a put-down not intended as a put-down. Like a put-sideways?) We are not going to sue our school if on one test every denomination isn't somehow specified in the questions (NYS seems to think it is appropriate to ensure everyone in their standardized tests has really stereotyped racial names like Juan, Antonio, Jerome so that everyone can see they're being inclusive. It's really backwards thinking.)
If we can just take a second to see who we are talking to, before we talk, we may save some of this trouble. But for the most part, it seems that PC is an unfinished book, where the standards are always changing and you are always wrong.
Question of the day:
If you are going on a lame field trip with school, is it more exciting to be surprised by it? Or is it more exciting to go on an awesome pre-planned trip.
7.08.2010
Shhh! There's Quiet People
It's no groundbreaking news that quiet people are the scariest. Some would say that this creepy nature comes from their persistent usage in horror films, but I would say, that there persistent usage in horror films comes from their preexisting creepy nature. It's an age old question, just like the infamous "egg/chicken" battle. Let me set the record straight now: movies don't scare people, people scare people; and it is for that very reason I make my argument that Silent People are by nature scary.
Please, bear with me, allow me to further say, that the only thing scary then a person who never speaks, is a person who breaks a silence. I recently experienced meeting a new, mute person, who spoke rarely to never. Then, all of a sudden, like a brick smashing through the window of unsoundedness, he started to speak. And I mean speak. Speaking up left and right. Saying all sorts of stuff I never expected a quiet person of his standing to say. And truth be it told, I was a bit perturb. Silent people have a knack for getting you into a silent rhythm (it's like drumming with no drums) of rejected conversation opportunities. You get used to the fact that, because you've met a silent person, there will be times when you'll have to be alone (or mostly alone that is) with someone else in the room.
And don't think this is a new game that the mutes are playing, they've been doing it since god invented silence back in the early 1800s. Since then people have employed it's use for all sorts of protests, black and white films, fancy restaurants, libraries and the silent game. This silent thing is not new, but it is time that someone say something new about it. That is why, as previously mentioned, I hold it to my firm belief, that it is not the silence that scares you, but that moment when the silence is broken (or at least, that's what I'm going to write my NYTimes Bestselling book on. It will be entitled "Shhh!" and sell millions. Listen up for more details!)
Report of the Weather:
If July 6th burned like the firey fire of hell, and the 7th burned like the refrigerated coke machine in hell, I'd say today is shaping up to burn like a day in Florida. A bit of improvement, but Florida's a hell hole.
Thought:
There's the colon, the semi colon, the period, and the comma. But for some reason you can not put an exclamation point or question mark in the center of a sentence. It's blasphemy! It's downright censorship! That's why, today I announce, the arrival of two new punctuation marks (though these were designed months ago... it takes a lot of time to plan this kind of thing with the grammatical powers that be); The semi exclamation point, and semi question mark. Both look the same as their predecessors except that the period underneath is changed to a comma. They can be used in a series (i.e. I was enraged! outraged! insane! and engaged!) or to separate the pause appropriately (i.e. Are you sure it was Mark? the security guy?) Generally a sentence with a semi-exclamation or question mark conclude with a full exclamation point or question mark, but to this I say: Rules are made to be broken! destroyed! ripped up? and tarnished!
Please, bear with me, allow me to further say, that the only thing scary then a person who never speaks, is a person who breaks a silence. I recently experienced meeting a new, mute person, who spoke rarely to never. Then, all of a sudden, like a brick smashing through the window of unsoundedness, he started to speak. And I mean speak. Speaking up left and right. Saying all sorts of stuff I never expected a quiet person of his standing to say. And truth be it told, I was a bit perturb. Silent people have a knack for getting you into a silent rhythm (it's like drumming with no drums) of rejected conversation opportunities. You get used to the fact that, because you've met a silent person, there will be times when you'll have to be alone (or mostly alone that is) with someone else in the room.
And don't think this is a new game that the mutes are playing, they've been doing it since god invented silence back in the early 1800s. Since then people have employed it's use for all sorts of protests, black and white films, fancy restaurants, libraries and the silent game. This silent thing is not new, but it is time that someone say something new about it. That is why, as previously mentioned, I hold it to my firm belief, that it is not the silence that scares you, but that moment when the silence is broken (or at least, that's what I'm going to write my NYTimes Bestselling book on. It will be entitled "Shhh!" and sell millions. Listen up for more details!)
Report of the Weather:
If July 6th burned like the firey fire of hell, and the 7th burned like the refrigerated coke machine in hell, I'd say today is shaping up to burn like a day in Florida. A bit of improvement, but Florida's a hell hole.
Thought:
There's the colon, the semi colon, the period, and the comma. But for some reason you can not put an exclamation point or question mark in the center of a sentence. It's blasphemy! It's downright censorship! That's why, today I announce, the arrival of two new punctuation marks (though these were designed months ago... it takes a lot of time to plan this kind of thing with the grammatical powers that be); The semi exclamation point, and semi question mark. Both look the same as their predecessors except that the period underneath is changed to a comma. They can be used in a series (i.e. I was enraged! outraged! insane! and engaged!) or to separate the pause appropriately (i.e. Are you sure it was Mark? the security guy?) Generally a sentence with a semi-exclamation or question mark conclude with a full exclamation point or question mark, but to this I say: Rules are made to be broken! destroyed! ripped up? and tarnished!
7.07.2010
Heat Wave
It is hot. Like seriously hot. I'm not talking about a "oh I think I'll have to wear shorts today" kind of heat. It's a "maybe I need to start wearing a welders mask and fireman's outfit just to survive here." I'm honestly at the point where I'm imagining the heat even when it isn't there. My body is so used to feeling uncomfortable that now it's inventing the uncomfortable feeling to fill the void. At the moment, I'm sitting alone, in a beautiful, air conditioned computer lounge. All the shades are closed, but the sun is trying it's hardest to pierce through. There is one ray of light that's hitting me like a dagger. And it's painful. But even though the room is air-conditioned, there is this little orb of heat spinning around me, making it impossible for me to even think about writing about anything else. I know that eventually I'll have to overcome this hurdle. It's going to be this hot for at least a week...
Have you ever tried sleeping in a blast furnace? Ever attempted to crawl into your oven, lie atop your stove, squeeze into your microwave? Ever thought about laying atop molten coals? That's what I did last night. All of the above. For the first time (I think in my life?) I slept without any blanket at all. Generally I need one in order to tell my subconscious it's bedtime (it just doesn't feel right otherwise. Do you ever get this feeling or am I a lunatic). Then in the morning, I took an icy cold shower. I've done it maybe twice before, for very small periods of time, just to ice off a sunburn. But this, was like a heaven sent bath of the gods. I could've stood in that shower forever (obviously, I didn't. So maybe I couldn't have).
I expect, at least for this week, I'll be writing longer and longer posts. This room is soooo comfortable (like honestly, think of a cloud made out of care bear soul and silk and you wouldn't even get close the relief I feel.) And now that I've just (literally just) discovered that the sides of the desk are metal, I don't think there's anyway I'm leaving this room ever!
For Thought:
Which is worse? Dreadfully hot or bitter cold. Two days ago I would've said bitter cold but now, I don't know.
Have you ever tried sleeping in a blast furnace? Ever attempted to crawl into your oven, lie atop your stove, squeeze into your microwave? Ever thought about laying atop molten coals? That's what I did last night. All of the above. For the first time (I think in my life?) I slept without any blanket at all. Generally I need one in order to tell my subconscious it's bedtime (it just doesn't feel right otherwise. Do you ever get this feeling or am I a lunatic). Then in the morning, I took an icy cold shower. I've done it maybe twice before, for very small periods of time, just to ice off a sunburn. But this, was like a heaven sent bath of the gods. I could've stood in that shower forever (obviously, I didn't. So maybe I couldn't have).
I expect, at least for this week, I'll be writing longer and longer posts. This room is soooo comfortable (like honestly, think of a cloud made out of care bear soul and silk and you wouldn't even get close the relief I feel.) And now that I've just (literally just) discovered that the sides of the desk are metal, I don't think there's anyway I'm leaving this room ever!
For Thought:
Which is worse? Dreadfully hot or bitter cold. Two days ago I would've said bitter cold but now, I don't know.
7.06.2010
Ice breakers
Ice breakers work to a very limited degree. One problem with breaking the ice of a group is that often you come away only knowing trivial things about groupmates. The following is a suggestion of a few, historically successful friendship creators.
1. Set up a large table with food in a room. Lock the door. Begin.
2. Bring group into a room, turn down lights, turn on romantic music, hand out condoms, begin.
3. Hand out knives to half of the group, and say that the other half has the plague and is investing their water supply. Lock door. Begin
4. Lock two people in a room. Begin
Basically, anytime you lock a door you create lasting friendships. So forget the icebreaking games and get down to business!
1. Set up a large table with food in a room. Lock the door. Begin.
2. Bring group into a room, turn down lights, turn on romantic music, hand out condoms, begin.
3. Hand out knives to half of the group, and say that the other half has the plague and is investing their water supply. Lock door. Begin
4. Lock two people in a room. Begin
Basically, anytime you lock a door you create lasting friendships. So forget the icebreaking games and get down to business!
7.05.2010
Nobodie's Noones
The other day I discussed the hardships of being a minor league player who isn't going anywhere. The only thing worse than being this kind of player, is to be a minor leaguer who acts like a pro
Last night I saw Hermin's Hermits play live. Now, if you've never hears of Hermin's Hermits (and let's be honest, who really has), they were a band popular during the British music invasion if the sixties. They were as popular as the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. Were is the important word there. The fact of the matter is, noone cares about them anymore (except for the fifty-something man sitting next to me who would announce the album and track number to each song). But apparently, no one has told the band about their low status. They walked out liked rock stars. "we are Hermin's Hermits!!" (what kind of rocker name is that???) and then, even when it became clear that no one was interested, the lead singer started saying things like, "and here comes one I know you all know..." and "sing along to this one!" Eventually he gave up and started singing covers that everyone knew. Before closing, they played "Henry the Eighth" one of their two popular songs. It is a chorus, and one verse, repeated over and over. They played this song for about 15 minutes. It was horrendous.
Everyone wants to be famous to different degrees. Some people are lucky enough to achieve stardom, but if your time runs out, you have to be strong enough to throw in the towel. Don't go on fooling yourself, you are done!
On another mildly famous attention hog note, have you heard about Kobayashi? He's a multiple time hot dog eating champion, who rushed the stage at Nathans hot dog eating competition.
Question: if you were famous, would you be proud to be famous for eating excess amounts of encased meat products in short periods of time?
Last night I saw Hermin's Hermits play live. Now, if you've never hears of Hermin's Hermits (and let's be honest, who really has), they were a band popular during the British music invasion if the sixties. They were as popular as the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. Were is the important word there. The fact of the matter is, noone cares about them anymore (except for the fifty-something man sitting next to me who would announce the album and track number to each song). But apparently, no one has told the band about their low status. They walked out liked rock stars. "we are Hermin's Hermits!!" (what kind of rocker name is that???) and then, even when it became clear that no one was interested, the lead singer started saying things like, "and here comes one I know you all know..." and "sing along to this one!" Eventually he gave up and started singing covers that everyone knew. Before closing, they played "Henry the Eighth" one of their two popular songs. It is a chorus, and one verse, repeated over and over. They played this song for about 15 minutes. It was horrendous.
Everyone wants to be famous to different degrees. Some people are lucky enough to achieve stardom, but if your time runs out, you have to be strong enough to throw in the towel. Don't go on fooling yourself, you are done!
On another mildly famous attention hog note, have you heard about Kobayashi? He's a multiple time hot dog eating champion, who rushed the stage at Nathans hot dog eating competition.
Question: if you were famous, would you be proud to be famous for eating excess amounts of encased meat products in short periods of time?
7.03.2010
The best things in life cost money.
The best things in life cost money, and lots of it. Let's say your buying a computer, and you have only two options. The first is an expensive computer, the second is free. Which do you pick? According to the old adage, you should pick the free one as it will be best, but in all likelihood it will turn out to be a peace of junk. The saying, in my opinion, should be changed to "the cheapest things in life are free." I mean, who's going to argue with that logic.
However, it is important to remember that absolutely nothing is free I challenge you to come up with an example of something completely free, it won't happen. Always, in every transaction there is some give and take. Consumers often fall into BOGO traps. It's important to remember when hopping that your not getting one "free" you're getting one "included". It should be BOIO. Though that's tougher to pronounce. Whatever "free" thing your getting has been budgeted by the management and is being covered by the one you're buying. It's just a lol economics for you.
Also, I urge you o read the fine print. If someone wants to give you something super cheap, to the appearance that it's free, make sure your checking it's not a scam. Especially if they're a Nigerian prince who's going to give you thousands of dollars. If it doesn't sound right, it probably isn't.
Finally I leave you with this thought:
When a team is winning a sporting event up until you begin watching, and then lose, is it your fault? What if it happens on a regular basis? Is that enough to make you switch teams?
However, it is important to remember that absolutely nothing is free I challenge you to come up with an example of something completely free, it won't happen. Always, in every transaction there is some give and take. Consumers often fall into BOGO traps. It's important to remember when hopping that your not getting one "free" you're getting one "included". It should be BOIO. Though that's tougher to pronounce. Whatever "free" thing your getting has been budgeted by the management and is being covered by the one you're buying. It's just a lol economics for you.
Also, I urge you o read the fine print. If someone wants to give you something super cheap, to the appearance that it's free, make sure your checking it's not a scam. Especially if they're a Nigerian prince who's going to give you thousands of dollars. If it doesn't sound right, it probably isn't.
Finally I leave you with this thought:
When a team is winning a sporting event up until you begin watching, and then lose, is it your fault? What if it happens on a regular basis? Is that enough to make you switch teams?
7.02.2010
Hotel Meal
I am not a camper. I never have been it goes right against my moral fiber when god created the earth, he created houses with air conditioning for man to dwell in. And he saw this a/c was good. I don't like the idea of going out of my way to sleep on the ground, being eaten by bugs, in a bag. (a sleeping bag sounds so archaic. If it were a case or sleeve I think I would be a little more likely to be interested. But I am not sleeping in a bag). Some would say, "it's great to get to know the outdoors." If I want to see nature I'll watch the Discovery Channel. If I want to be "in" nature, I'll watch it in the backyard on a laptop.
But the fun part of camping is the challenge. Trying to fashion a delicious meal with nothing but a campfire and some pointy sticks. S'mores are a prime example of fantastic edible delights that have been born out of this chaos. So tonight I'm in a hotel, and having very much the same experience. My family has went to the supermarket, picked out whatever we wanted to eat, and now have the excitement of heating it in a rustic microwave, eating on paper plates, in comfy hotel lounge chairs. While it may not be the same kind of "roughing it" as camping, it is just enough out of my comfort zone to be exciting.
So go and make some s'mores, cook in your fireplace, try to create a great meal out of nothing. Who needs camping when you've got paper plates and a microwave?!
Question of the day:
Do you type in url's to sights you know by heart (YouTube) or "save time" by typing into google search?
But the fun part of camping is the challenge. Trying to fashion a delicious meal with nothing but a campfire and some pointy sticks. S'mores are a prime example of fantastic edible delights that have been born out of this chaos. So tonight I'm in a hotel, and having very much the same experience. My family has went to the supermarket, picked out whatever we wanted to eat, and now have the excitement of heating it in a rustic microwave, eating on paper plates, in comfy hotel lounge chairs. While it may not be the same kind of "roughing it" as camping, it is just enough out of my comfort zone to be exciting.
So go and make some s'mores, cook in your fireplace, try to create a great meal out of nothing. Who needs camping when you've got paper plates and a microwave?!
Question of the day:
Do you type in url's to sights you know by heart (YouTube) or "save time" by typing into google search?
7.01.2010
Minor League Baseball
Today I went to see a minor league baseball game. It was honestly one of the most depressing things you could imagine. 9 innings of men playing half-heartedly a game that they love with their full heart. You could really see how many of the players had given up, and were never making it to the bigs. And they're paid almost nothing to go around playing this sport, hoping one day they'll make it to the MLB.
The MiLB fans (just a second to comment on the Acronym. Honestly Minor League Baseball? You guy's are the Milb? Too close to Milf in my opinion. Also kinda sounds like a very viscous fluid. "I got Milb everywhere it was a disaster!" "There goes Veronica. She's such a Milb!") are even sadder. No one cares about the game, and half of the people don't know what's going on. At a MLB game, even though a majority of the fans still could care less about the action, they get excited by the fans who do know what's going on. Here it's only the drunk guys who get into. Everyone else is just thinking "Wow! Look at that homerun! It would have been really cool if it was hit by someone making a Phone Number for a salary. But this no-name minor leaguer? I could care less!"
The only saving grace for the game I went to today, was the first base umpire (who also happened to be the second base and third base umpire). The guy was really into it. While a simple "foul ball" would suffice, he was flailing his arms, jumping up and down, shouting at the top of his lungs. If you didn't know it was a foul ball you were blind and deaf. Even low flying planes saw his signals. If everyone in the MiLB would take the game as seriously as that umpire, the game could be more exciting. As it is, it's about as fun as a glass of spilled MiLB.
Thought of the day:
I wish that Starbucks had less options. I go there, and they ask me thirty million questions just for me to get an iced coffee. "Want that regular?" "Caramel?" "Sweetened?" "Liquid sweetner?" "flavor shots?" And another thing, do they think their being fancy because they use strange names for sizes? I think it's annoying. What's your thought?
The MiLB fans (just a second to comment on the Acronym. Honestly Minor League Baseball? You guy's are the Milb? Too close to Milf in my opinion. Also kinda sounds like a very viscous fluid. "I got Milb everywhere it was a disaster!" "There goes Veronica. She's such a Milb!") are even sadder. No one cares about the game, and half of the people don't know what's going on. At a MLB game, even though a majority of the fans still could care less about the action, they get excited by the fans who do know what's going on. Here it's only the drunk guys who get into. Everyone else is just thinking "Wow! Look at that homerun! It would have been really cool if it was hit by someone making a Phone Number for a salary. But this no-name minor leaguer? I could care less!"
The only saving grace for the game I went to today, was the first base umpire (who also happened to be the second base and third base umpire). The guy was really into it. While a simple "foul ball" would suffice, he was flailing his arms, jumping up and down, shouting at the top of his lungs. If you didn't know it was a foul ball you were blind and deaf. Even low flying planes saw his signals. If everyone in the MiLB would take the game as seriously as that umpire, the game could be more exciting. As it is, it's about as fun as a glass of spilled MiLB.
Thought of the day:
I wish that Starbucks had less options. I go there, and they ask me thirty million questions just for me to get an iced coffee. "Want that regular?" "Caramel?" "Sweetened?" "Liquid sweetner?" "flavor shots?" And another thing, do they think their being fancy because they use strange names for sizes? I think it's annoying. What's your thought?
5.24.2009
Squirrel Poop(?)
Summer is coming and that can only mean one thing: Bird Poop. It’s everywhere. According to Fecal Experts, Bird excretion is the most commonly recognized waste matter next to Human and Dog (I made that up... at least I hope to god no one is stuck with a title as terrible as Fecal Expert). Why is this? Well I, not being a Fecal Expert but rather an observant fellow, have the following theory. The Percentage of Excretion Recognition is equal to the Population of the organism doing the pooping divided by the frequency they are seen eating in a given area.
Well I had come up with this equation, and was walking to a babysitting job (more on that tomorrow) when I saw a little squirrel up in a tree. That’s when it hit me. I see squirrels every single day ¾ of the year (that’s excluding Winter). So, why do I not know what squirrel doodoo looks like? Have I ever even seen Squirrel crap? How would I know? All Squirrels do is eat, so surely they must, at some point, pass that solid waste through their digestive system.
Even stranger, I can tell you exactly what bunny fecal matter looks like. And how often do I see bunnies? No. There is a deeper darker secret here. Clearly something is happening with these mammals and I was going to figure it out. My hypothesis: Squirrels eat their own feces. What would drive them to this concept? Well, climbing up and down trees all day, you’re going to need a lot of nutrients. And, as every Fecal Expert will tell you, about 33.7% of the vitamins and minerals vital to your health remain in you waste as it leaves your body. So, in theory, the healthiest of the health nuts should be eating their own poopy (or at least should by 33.7 percent more food).
So there you have it. Squirrels do excrete waste. The myth has been proven. The mystery solved. The popular children’s book Everyone Poops rings true! Squirrels poop. Squirrels are just smarter than us, and also more efficient. Think of how the world would change if people would follow the way of the squirrels. Join our gray tailed brethren in the fight for better health!
(Did you realize I said poop in 7 different ways without once saying a bad word beginning with an SH and ending with a T.)
5.20.2009
Easy Recipes That'll Change your LIFE
Chip Combo
Step 1. Buy Some Pretzels, Preferably Rold’s Gold Sticks (the little thin kind).
Step 2. Buy some Original Fritos. We don’t want any of that Barbeque nonsense!
Step 3. Reach into the pretzel bag, pull out 1- 3 pretzel sticks.
Step 4. Reach into Fritos bag, pull out 1-1/2 fritos.
Step 5. Hold in same hand, and eat entirely in one bite
The grease of the Fritos is cut by the blandness of the Pretzels, and the saltyness of the Pretzels enhances the corn flavor in the Fritos. It's a robust flavor yet subtle. The result is heaven for the mouth!
Super Fantastic Hot Cocoa
Step 1: Purchase cheap Hot Cocoa
Step 2: Purchase Vanilla Ice Cream
Step 3: Boil Water
Step 4: In a mug use 50% more powder than is called for (ie. if 1 cup is needed put in 1 1/2 cups)
Step 5: Pour hot water into mug
Step 6: Stir
Step 7: Scoop ice cream (with a new spoon because otherwise you'll tarnish the flavor of the ice cream for others in your place of residence)
Step 8: Put said scoop of ice cream in the Hot Cocoa. Mix.
Step 9: If there is room in the mug add a little more ice cream
Step 10: Stir until all the ice cream is melted.
Step 11: Drink it. Smile.
Other things you can try: Crush up a peppermint candy and add it; try different flavored ice cream; add a little milk (it can't hurt); Add a little more cocoa mix (but not too much!); add small pieces of caramel or caramel syrup.
Home Made Cherry/Vanilla Coke
Step 1: Buy Coke (coca-cola)
Step 2: Buy either Cherry or Vanilla Syrup (or both!)
Step 3: Pour Coke in Glass
Step 4: Add as much syrup as you'd like
Step 5: drink.
Also try: stranger flavors like raspberry or strawberry. Or add to different sodas. A hint: This recipe works best around Easter. Why? I'll let you in on an insider secret. Around Easter for the Jewish People is a Holiday called Passover. For passover a special variety of Coke is made. It has a yellow cap. It's made with cane sugar rather than corn-syrup. It tastes better, and also prevents your Cherry or Vanilla Coke from being to sweet.
Sharpie as a Tack
I’ve always been a fan of Sharpies. What’s not to like? They look nice, they smell nice, they taste... well two out of three aint bad. I find it amusing how many variations they’ve managed to make of a simple marker. You got you fine, your ultra fine, your thick, your magnum, your mini, your retractable, and pens. But you think that’s all? Oh no no, my feeble minded sharpie friend. Sharpie goes far beyond the basics. All in total there are 51 different varieties, and that’s not even including all the color options. There are some really bizarre options too. You want to write on the tags of your shirts but can’t sleep at night knowing there is a possibility your initials will come off in the wash? No more with Sharpie Rub-a-Dub Laundry marker. Want to write on your grandma’s antique fine china? Well that’s no problem with the Sharpie peel of China Marker! Need a special marker for CDs? You know Sharpie has you covered. But that’s not even the half of it. You’ve also got an assortment of highlighters, oil based pens, and stainless steel plated markers. Want one? No problem, just be willing to fork over 14 bucks for one.
So you have to ask. Who is buying this stuff? What have we come to that people feel they need Industrial Grade Sharpies? Have we really reached a point of laziness where we don’t have time to take a cap off of a marker? Really? REALLY?
P.S. I got a Sharpie Pen (actually I stole it from my dad... those things are expensive). The major marketing statement: “won’t bleed through paper.” So naturally I did a homework assignment with it. It was only after I had finished the homework that I realized underneath was a Science project I’d been working on for two weeks, marked up with the faded facts of Montezuma II. Way to go Sharpie. Way to go.
Super Sandals!
Addidas. For a long long long time, has been the maker of wonderful three striped items. Recently I received through the mail (it wasn’t a surprise or anything. I ordered them. This was no case of a drive by shoe delivery. Although I guess technically it was... anyways...) a pair of SSG2's, of course standing for Super Star Generation 2. These are the most amazing super duper pair of mandals in the world! Why you may ask? (go ahead ask it so I can answer) Why? I’ll tell you why. Because their made out of FIT FOAM! What is fit foam you ask?...... Well imagine a Temperpedic Mattress plus A Cloud plus Care Bear Guts. Put that all underneath you feet and you’ve got my new shoes.
Now you may be thinking, All of this softness going to waste on the smelliest (maybe second smelliest) part of your body? No. You should be ashamed. Can you imagine how angry your podiatrist would be with you right now?! How could you think such a thing? You... fiend!
Giving your feet the luxury they deserve is important. Let’s be honest, your not exactly what one would call... thin. And think of all that weight your pour little feetsies have to put up with!? You owe it to them to give them a break.
The Addidas SSG2 Flipflops provide the right amount of comfort with the perfect customized support. And for the low price of 30-35 dollars, you could buy two shoes for the cost of two Steel Plated Sharpies (gotta love foreshadowing!). It’s really a no-brainer. Buy these shoes Today! (or tomorrow, I really don’t care at all).
P.S. In Preparedness for NNAD (National Narcissist Appreciation Day) I went to my school's library yesterday and took a cheap online personality disorder test. Sadly, I learned that I'm moderately Anti-social and Avoidant. Completely Distraught I texted all my friends and proceeded to walk around telling complete strangers I'd never met before about my ordeal...
5.19.2009
Temperatures
I received an email today which reminded me of this blog, I feel bad about not doing it for so long, so here goes.
Have you ever noticed that the same temperature in two different places doesn't feel the same. A 69 degree day (no more no less) with a light breeze in a wide open field sounds perfect. Not to hot, not to cool. But go to a beach on a 69 degree day and your freezing.
Today I was sitting in my house when I noticed how hot it was. I checked the thermostat and found it was 76. 76 degrees outside is not that bad. But inside, it's like your house is on fire!
Why is this? It's simple. In each and every one of use lies a special gene called the Picky Gene (it's located in the same place of your DNA which makes you have a huge urge to pick your nose and pick a lottery number). This gene makes it that a human being can never really be satisfied. Sure sometimes you may feel happy but you always want more. Like right now, I just had a DELICIOUS bowl of Breyers Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream, followed by a couple of pretzels to cap off the sweetness. I should be satisfied. But am I? Heck no. Cuz my picky gene is acting up.
This is the first post in a while so I'll be better later I promise, I'm just getting warmed up again (believe it or not these things take time.)
Looking Forward:
Tomorrow, May 20th, is National Narcissist Appreciation day so find an egomaniac and tell them how great they really are!
Have you ever noticed that the same temperature in two different places doesn't feel the same. A 69 degree day (no more no less) with a light breeze in a wide open field sounds perfect. Not to hot, not to cool. But go to a beach on a 69 degree day and your freezing.
Today I was sitting in my house when I noticed how hot it was. I checked the thermostat and found it was 76. 76 degrees outside is not that bad. But inside, it's like your house is on fire!
Why is this? It's simple. In each and every one of use lies a special gene called the Picky Gene (it's located in the same place of your DNA which makes you have a huge urge to pick your nose and pick a lottery number). This gene makes it that a human being can never really be satisfied. Sure sometimes you may feel happy but you always want more. Like right now, I just had a DELICIOUS bowl of Breyers Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream, followed by a couple of pretzels to cap off the sweetness. I should be satisfied. But am I? Heck no. Cuz my picky gene is acting up.
This is the first post in a while so I'll be better later I promise, I'm just getting warmed up again (believe it or not these things take time.)
Looking Forward:
Tomorrow, May 20th, is National Narcissist Appreciation day so find an egomaniac and tell them how great they really are!
8.13.2008
Epiphany
There comes a time in every boys life, where he becomes a man. There comes a time in every man's life where he becomes an old fart. Their comes a time in ever old fart's life where he dies (usually towards the end of his life). Somewhere, in this long time, ever male has an epiphany. Some people, like myself, have many of these moments because there just really awesome. Today, I had an epiphany. It was a great one I might add.
The deal with epiphanies is that once you have the idea, it doesn't matter what other people think, you have to carry it out.
Here's my epiphany:
I don't need to blog every day. And no one really cares. SOOOOOoooOOO. So long! I'll see ya when i see ya!
The deal with epiphanies is that once you have the idea, it doesn't matter what other people think, you have to carry it out.
Here's my epiphany:
I don't need to blog every day. And no one really cares. SOOOOOoooOOO. So long! I'll see ya when i see ya!
8.10.2008
Fail.
In my life, I have never truly witnessed a true fail. Sure, my friends and I will often use the verb (noun, adj?) but never in really really epic failure spots. But yesterday, at the 2008 Olympics in Bejing (hope you already knew these things) after Michael Phelps Epic win (set a world record, and subsequently a World Record) he stood up on the podium to claim his prize!
A man came over the PA "Représentez svp l'hymne national américain, Please Stand For the American National Anthem, 请代表美国国歌" So everyone did as they were told, and they stood up and prepared for the anthem.
Now there were a LOT of famous people in the audience... Well, at least President Bush Was there, so like, yah, things should have been prefect.
But! they weren't.
First, you may want to watch it. So click this link. Right.................. here!
Okay, I'd like you to hum the National Anthem to yourself right now.... it's ok, if anyone asks just say you were feeling extremely patriotic today. Ok, you've done it? Did you realize you hummed the same thing twice? In the Begining? ok, well, in the Olympic Version (which is only instrumental) first they cut out the "o' say can you" part of it. THEN, they played that part where its supposed to go twice (like you've now discovered) THREE times! Then!!!! They Cut of "the land of the free and the home of the brave!" Everyone had a good laugh and shook it off. But i think, this gives me complete right to say:
Anthem Fail!!!
Click on any of these words for more fails.
A man came over the PA "Représentez svp l'hymne national américain, Please Stand For the American National Anthem, 请代表美国国歌" So everyone did as they were told, and they stood up and prepared for the anthem.
Now there were a LOT of famous people in the audience... Well, at least President Bush Was there, so like, yah, things should have been prefect.
But! they weren't.
First, you may want to watch it. So click this link. Right.................. here!
Okay, I'd like you to hum the National Anthem to yourself right now.... it's ok, if anyone asks just say you were feeling extremely patriotic today. Ok, you've done it? Did you realize you hummed the same thing twice? In the Begining? ok, well, in the Olympic Version (which is only instrumental) first they cut out the "o' say can you" part of it. THEN, they played that part where its supposed to go twice (like you've now discovered) THREE times! Then!!!! They Cut of "the land of the free and the home of the brave!" Everyone had a good laugh and shook it off. But i think, this gives me complete right to say:
Anthem Fail!!!
Click on any of these words for more fails.
8.08.2008
Chinese Firefox Toddlers
I have decided, there are a few things in life, that everyone should be able to enjoy: Chinese Food, Firefox, and Asian Toddlers. Now the title, (the thing above the entry) is a conglomerate of the three, but I'm not sure whether I would like the item described in the title.
Chinese Food = God. It's true. It's salty, sweet, spicy, and umami (yah, it's a real taste). Also, it's like, just perfect. On a bad day (which there always seems to be an abundance of), nothing can fix that more than Chinese food (or maybe ice cream... but EVERYONE knows that). Seriously, there is something about Chinese food, in its massive aray of flavors, and textures, that makes a blogger (especialy this one) salivate.
Firefox = Demi God. You're reading this now. Are you on Firefox? no? NO!!!??? Why the heck not! Firefox is the safest, fastest, funnest, amazingest, web browser EVER! And best of all its fully customizable. With awesome addons (which are free... duh) you can totally make your browsing more efficient. Like on addon called Hyperwords, which allows you to pretty much allows you to search (google, dictionary, wikipedia, or even TRANSLATE!) all the words on a page with a click. Firefox is free. you NEEEED to get it. NOW! You won't forget it. If you click here, then you can have it, and it will be awesome! (or click here.) or here. not here. HERE!
Asian Toddlers = Adorable Gods. Ever seen the show John and Kate Plus 8? I'm in love with it. My heart is filled with those kids. They are adorable! Because they're asian. Asians rule the world. They rule the world in everthing. Electronics, sports.... So it makes sense in the natural progression of society, that asians would control the adorable factor too.
I geuss (after writing this) if they could get Aaden Gosselin to eat chinese food while on Firefox, I would enjoy it... a little.
So by now you're probably hungry. So go out! Get some Chinese food, may I suggest some lo mein? And come back and read more tommorow (well... sunday... I don't blog on saturday)
Chinese Food = God. It's true. It's salty, sweet, spicy, and umami (yah, it's a real taste). Also, it's like, just perfect. On a bad day (which there always seems to be an abundance of), nothing can fix that more than Chinese food (or maybe ice cream... but EVERYONE knows that). Seriously, there is something about Chinese food, in its massive aray of flavors, and textures, that makes a blogger (especialy this one) salivate.
Firefox = Demi God. You're reading this now. Are you on Firefox? no? NO!!!??? Why the heck not! Firefox is the safest, fastest, funnest, amazingest, web browser EVER! And best of all its fully customizable. With awesome addons (which are free... duh) you can totally make your browsing more efficient. Like on addon called Hyperwords, which allows you to pretty much allows you to search (google, dictionary, wikipedia, or even TRANSLATE!) all the words on a page with a click. Firefox is free. you NEEEED to get it. NOW! You won't forget it. If you click here, then you can have it, and it will be awesome! (or click here.) or here. not here. HERE!
Asian Toddlers = Adorable Gods. Ever seen the show John and Kate Plus 8? I'm in love with it. My heart is filled with those kids. They are adorable! Because they're asian. Asians rule the world. They rule the world in everthing. Electronics, sports.... So it makes sense in the natural progression of society, that asians would control the adorable factor too.
I geuss (after writing this) if they could get Aaden Gosselin to eat chinese food while on Firefox, I would enjoy it... a little.
So by now you're probably hungry. So go out! Get some Chinese food, may I suggest some lo mein? And come back and read more tommorow (well... sunday... I don't blog on saturday)
8.07.2008
Hanging da Man
Today I witnessed (yet another time) the event I fondly call the Hangman Hustle (there is no reason for this name, but its a nice illiteration.) OK so me and my sister (my sister and I) often in at camps and what not will play Electronic Hangman. Always (ALWAYS) when we start, everyone's a Hater (hata?). People will be looking at us like, "Who the F**k do they think they are? They look soooo stupid playing that Electronic Hangman." But then, always (ALWAYS), like clockwork, withing 15 minutes, a small crowd has formed around us watching us play. Soon, always (well not always) about 15 people will be around us. Now they'll be like, "Daaaaang. Them kids are FLY!" Soon, they'll be asking to enter words into the Electronic Hangman. And soon, that hangman game will be being passed from one person to another faster than a joint in a rehab center.
People also get REALLY good at words. Here, are a list of the hardest hangman words (not in order of difficulty, or any order for that matter):
-Jogging
-Chukka
-Easy
-Cow
-Olives (theres a story behind this one)
-And
-The
By the end of the day people are like, "where'd you get that!" (and then the music from that commercial comes on) All the Haters, are now Playas (of Hangman), and it's pretty dope.
I leave you with this question:
You're 16, spolied, and full of yourself. You've seen the MTV show "Super Sweet Sixteen" and you know that all of the people on the show end of looking like Jerks. Do you still have the party on TV?
People also get REALLY good at words. Here, are a list of the hardest hangman words (not in order of difficulty, or any order for that matter):
-Jogging
-Chukka
-Easy
-Cow
-Olives (theres a story behind this one)
-And
-The
By the end of the day people are like, "where'd you get that!" (and then the music from that commercial comes on) All the Haters, are now Playas (of Hangman), and it's pretty dope.
I leave you with this question:
You're 16, spolied, and full of yourself. You've seen the MTV show "Super Sweet Sixteen" and you know that all of the people on the show end of looking like Jerks. Do you still have the party on TV?
8.06.2008
Deep Apologies
To The Few Readers of this Blog,
I would like to extend my sincerest apologies for not blogging, at all, for a couple of weeks. Now I could tell you some crazy story about how I was in the African Safari, or had a rare case of the Purple Flurples (it's a kind of parasite that grows in your... well you probably don't want to know...) but I won't do that to you, my loyal readers. No, I'll tell you the god honest truth: I was not aware that anyone even skimmed this site, and the fact that at least one person did read it, surprised me. That reminds me...
When you were younger, did you ever think it would be "cool" to make your own website. So you made a stupid little Freewebs page, and maybe your friends looked at it for a few days? Yes/No? Okay, well, about... 2 to 3 years ago, I made a freewebs page called Kids Publishing because I thought I would be "filling a void" in the internet world, of palces for people to publish their stuff, that wasn't either a come on or a sham. So I made the site and I was very proud of it and I left it on the web to "ruminate."
I'd COMPLETELY forgotten about it's existance when suddenly, about a week ago. I received a submission. My FIRST submission. IN 2 YEARS! (If you go on the site you'll see there are many stories, the first... maybe 8.... are mine under different alias... heheh... I was a clever 11 year old.)
This definately tells you, you really have to be careful about what yo u say on the web. For example if I were to say "GEORGE SCHWARTZ IS A PANSY!!!" on my site, and years later, George sees it, and wants to sue me... maybe he could! (I do not know any George Schwartz's nor do I know any that are pansies. George Schwartz is a pretty bad-ass name, and I don't think there could be a pansy named George Schwartz... but i digress.)
I ended up getting 4, count em', 4 submissions in a matter of a couple of weeks. GAH! I'm so excited I could say GAH!, and in fact i did.
Once again we will be returning to our normal 6 day a week schedule (i don't blog on saturdays).
YOu Can expect to see more Linking, because i like doing that, and i think it helps people really understand what they read (click on them... some of them might be humorous...) .
I leave you with this riddle:
Sean Hannity is in a Bar with Batman, Chuck Norris, Obama, and Truman Burgess. They get into a political argument who wins.
The Answer: No one. Batman Gets eaten by Chuck Norris who goes home sick, Obama Chickens out and sends 60 year old doufus, Truman Burgess and Sean Hannity goes easy on him because he feels bad. But the moral of the riddle is this: If you're Barack Obama, there are MILLIONS of Hannity Fans who want to see YOU get destroyed on Hannity (and I consider myself a democrat!)
I would like to extend my sincerest apologies for not blogging, at all, for a couple of weeks. Now I could tell you some crazy story about how I was in the African Safari, or had a rare case of the Purple Flurples (it's a kind of parasite that grows in your... well you probably don't want to know...) but I won't do that to you, my loyal readers. No, I'll tell you the god honest truth: I was not aware that anyone even skimmed this site, and the fact that at least one person did read it, surprised me. That reminds me...
When you were younger, did you ever think it would be "cool" to make your own website. So you made a stupid little Freewebs page, and maybe your friends looked at it for a few days? Yes/No? Okay, well, about... 2 to 3 years ago, I made a freewebs page called Kids Publishing because I thought I would be "filling a void" in the internet world, of palces for people to publish their stuff, that wasn't either a come on or a sham. So I made the site and I was very proud of it and I left it on the web to "ruminate."
I'd COMPLETELY forgotten about it's existance when suddenly, about a week ago. I received a submission. My FIRST submission. IN 2 YEARS! (If you go on the site you'll see there are many stories, the first... maybe 8.... are mine under different alias... heheh... I was a clever 11 year old.)
This definately tells you, you really have to be careful about what yo u say on the web. For example if I were to say "GEORGE SCHWARTZ IS A PANSY!!!" on my site, and years later, George sees it, and wants to sue me... maybe he could! (I do not know any George Schwartz's nor do I know any that are pansies. George Schwartz is a pretty bad-ass name, and I don't think there could be a pansy named George Schwartz... but i digress.)
I ended up getting 4, count em', 4 submissions in a matter of a couple of weeks. GAH! I'm so excited I could say GAH!, and in fact i did.
Once again we will be returning to our normal 6 day a week schedule (i don't blog on saturdays).
YOu Can expect to see more Linking, because i like doing that, and i think it helps people really understand what they read (click on them... some of them might be humorous...) .
I leave you with this riddle:
Sean Hannity is in a Bar with Batman, Chuck Norris, Obama, and Truman Burgess. They get into a political argument who wins.
The Answer: No one. Batman Gets eaten by Chuck Norris who goes home sick, Obama Chickens out and sends 60 year old doufus, Truman Burgess and Sean Hannity goes easy on him because he feels bad. But the moral of the riddle is this: If you're Barack Obama, there are MILLIONS of Hannity Fans who want to see YOU get destroyed on Hannity (and I consider myself a democrat!)
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