Squirrel Poop(?)

Summer is coming and that can only mean one thing: Bird Poop. It’s everywhere. According to Fecal Experts, Bird excretion is the most commonly recognized waste matter next to Human and Dog (I made that up... at least I hope to god no one is stuck with a title as terrible as Fecal Expert). Why is this? Well I, not being a Fecal Expert but rather an observant fellow, have the following theory. The Percentage of Excretion Recognition is equal to the Population of the organism doing the pooping divided by the frequency they are seen eating in a given area.

Well I had come up with this equation, and was walking to a babysitting job (more on that tomorrow) when I saw a little squirrel up in a tree. That’s when it hit me. I see squirrels every single day ¾ of the year (that’s excluding Winter). So, why do I not know what squirrel doodoo looks like? Have I ever even seen Squirrel crap? How would I know? All Squirrels do is eat, so surely they must, at some point, pass that solid waste through their digestive system.

Even stranger, I can tell you exactly what bunny fecal matter looks like. And how often do I see bunnies? No. There is a deeper darker secret here. Clearly something is happening with these mammals and I was going to figure it out. My hypothesis: Squirrels eat their own feces. What would drive them to this concept? Well, climbing up and down trees all day, you’re going to need a lot of nutrients. And, as every Fecal Expert will tell you, about 33.7% of the vitamins and minerals vital to your health remain in you waste as it leaves your body. So, in theory, the healthiest of the health nuts should be eating their own poopy (or at least should by 33.7 percent more food).

So there you have it. Squirrels do excrete waste. The myth has been proven. The mystery solved. The popular children’s book Everyone Poops rings true! Squirrels poop. Squirrels are just smarter than us, and also more efficient. Think of how the world would change if people would follow the way of the squirrels. Join our gray tailed brethren in the fight for better health!

(Did you realize I said poop in 7 different ways without once saying a bad word beginning with an SH and ending with a T.)

Easy Recipes That'll Change your LIFE

Chip Combo

Step 1. Buy Some Pretzels, Preferably Rold’s Gold Sticks (the little thin kind).

Step 2. Buy some Original Fritos. We don’t want any of that Barbeque nonsense!

Step 3. Reach into the pretzel bag, pull out 1- 3 pretzel sticks.

Step 4. Reach into Fritos bag, pull out 1-1/2 fritos.

Step 5. Hold in same hand, and eat entirely in one bite

The grease of the Fritos is cut by the blandness of the Pretzels, and the saltyness of the Pretzels enhances the corn flavor in the Fritos. It's a robust flavor yet subtle. The result is heaven for the mouth!

Super Fantastic Hot Cocoa

Step 1: Purchase cheap Hot Cocoa

Step 2: Purchase Vanilla Ice Cream

Step 3: Boil Water

Step 4: In a mug use 50% more powder than is called for (ie. if 1 cup is needed put in 1 1/2 cups)

Step 5: Pour hot water into mug

Step 6: Stir

Step 7: Scoop ice cream (with a new spoon because otherwise you'll tarnish the flavor of the ice cream for others in your place of residence)

Step 8: Put said scoop of ice cream in the Hot Cocoa. Mix.

Step 9: If there is room in the mug add a little more ice cream

Step 10: Stir until all the ice cream is melted.

Step 11: Drink it. Smile.

Other things you can try: Crush up a peppermint candy and add it; try different flavored ice cream; add a little milk (it can't hurt); Add a little more cocoa mix (but not too much!); add small pieces of caramel or caramel syrup.

Home Made Cherry/Vanilla Coke

Step 1: Buy Coke (coca-cola)

Step 2: Buy either Cherry or Vanilla Syrup (or both!)

Step 3: Pour Coke in Glass

Step 4: Add as much syrup as you'd like

Step 5: drink.

Also try: stranger flavors like raspberry or strawberry. Or add to different sodas. A hint: This recipe works best around Easter. Why? I'll let you in on an insider secret. Around Easter for the Jewish People is a Holiday called Passover. For passover a special variety of Coke is made. It has a yellow cap. It's made with cane sugar rather than corn-syrup. It tastes better, and also prevents your Cherry or Vanilla Coke from being to sweet.

Sharpie as a Tack

I’ve always been a fan of Sharpies. What’s not to like? They look nice, they smell nice, they taste... well two out of three aint bad. I find it amusing how many variations they’ve managed to make of a simple marker. You got you fine, your ultra fine, your thick, your magnum, your mini, your retractable, and pens. But you think that’s all? Oh no no, my feeble minded sharpie friend. Sharpie goes far beyond the basics. All in total there are 51 different varieties, and that’s not even including all the color options. There are some really bizarre options too. You want to write on the tags of your shirts but can’t sleep at night knowing there is a possibility your initials will come off in the wash? No more with Sharpie Rub-a-Dub Laundry marker. Want to write on your grandma’s antique fine china? Well that’s no problem with the Sharpie peel of China Marker! Need a special marker for CDs? You know Sharpie has you covered. But that’s not even the half of it. You’ve also got an assortment of highlighters, oil based pens, and stainless steel plated markers. Want one? No problem, just be willing to fork over 14 bucks for one.

So you have to ask. Who is buying this stuff? What have we come to that people feel they need Industrial Grade Sharpies? Have we really reached a point of laziness where we don’t have time to take a cap off of a marker? Really? REALLY?

P.S. I got a Sharpie Pen (actually I stole it from my dad... those things are expensive). The major marketing statement: “won’t bleed through paper.” So naturally I did a homework assignment with it. It was only after I had finished the homework that I realized underneath was a Science project I’d been working on for two weeks, marked up with the faded facts of Montezuma II. Way to go Sharpie. Way to go.

Super Sandals!

Addidas. For a long long long time, has been the maker of wonderful three striped items. Recently I received through the mail (it wasn’t a surprise or anything. I ordered them. This was no case of a drive by shoe delivery. Although I guess technically it was... anyways...) a pair of SSG2's, of course standing for Super Star Generation 2. These are the most amazing super duper pair of mandals in the world! Why you may ask? (go ahead ask it so I can answer) Why? I’ll tell you why. Because their made out of FIT FOAM! What is fit foam you ask?...... Well imagine a Temperpedic Mattress plus A Cloud plus Care Bear Guts. Put that all underneath you feet and you’ve got my new shoes.

Now you may be thinking, All of this softness going to waste on the smelliest (maybe second smelliest) part of your body? No. You should be ashamed. Can you imagine how angry your podiatrist would be with you right now?! How could you think such a thing? You... fiend!

Giving your feet the luxury they deserve is important. Let’s be honest, your not exactly what one would call... thin. And think of all that weight your pour little feetsies have to put up with!? You owe it to them to give them a break.

The Addidas SSG2 Flipflops provide the right amount of comfort with the perfect customized support. And for the low price of 30-35 dollars, you could buy two shoes for the cost of two Steel Plated Sharpies (gotta love foreshadowing!). It’s really a no-brainer. Buy these shoes Today! (or tomorrow, I really don’t care at all).

P.S. In Preparedness for NNAD (National Narcissist Appreciation Day) I went to my school's library yesterday and took a cheap online personality disorder test. Sadly, I learned that I'm moderately Anti-social and Avoidant. Completely Distraught I texted all my friends and proceeded to walk around telling complete strangers I'd never met before about my ordeal...

Temperatures

I received an email today which reminded me of this blog, I feel bad about not doing it for so long, so here goes.

Have you ever noticed that the same temperature in two different places doesn't feel the same. A 69 degree day (no more no less) with a light breeze in a wide open field sounds perfect. Not to hot, not to cool. But go to a beach on a 69 degree day and your freezing.
Today I was sitting in my house when I noticed how hot it was. I checked the thermostat and found it was 76. 76 degrees outside is not that bad. But inside, it's like your house is on fire!
Why is this? It's simple. In each and every one of use lies a special gene called the Picky Gene (it's located in the same place of your DNA which makes you have a huge urge to pick your nose and pick a lottery number). This gene makes it that a human being can never really be satisfied. Sure sometimes you may feel happy but you always want more. Like right now, I just had a DELICIOUS bowl of Breyers Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream, followed by a couple of pretzels to cap off the sweetness. I should be satisfied. But am I? Heck no. Cuz my picky gene is acting up.
This is the first post in a while so I'll be better later I promise, I'm just getting warmed up again (believe it or not these things take time.)

Looking Forward:
Tomorrow, May 20th, is National Narcissist Appreciation day so find an egomaniac and tell them how great they really are!