Going Away

This is not much of a post, because it hasn't been much of a day. I slept, until 12:50, woke up, did some laundry, cleaned a little, and then, slept for another two hours... If you've read my earlier post about sleeping late, it's a load of horse exrcrement. For those few who read my blog, I won't be writing tomorrow (fri) the next day (Sat cuz I never write on saturdays) and the next day (sun) sorry for whatever dissapointment this causes. I'm going away. however, I promise to be choc' full of witty anecdotes for mondays blog. For today, I leave you with these questions:

If a Chiken Had Lips, Could it Whistle?

If a Tree Falls in the Forest and No One is there to Hear it, does it make a sound?

If someone posts a blog, but no one bothers to read it, does it say anything?

Have you heard about...

Today I discovered quite probably the most interesting, addictive (to others...) terribly commercial, thing ever in the history of the planet. That of course being WebKinz, a company whose goal is clearly to take over the world.
Here's how it works. One girl, we'll call her Tiffany, sees a commercial for WebKinz. She thinks to herself, "Wow, I have a bunch of worthless stuffed animals, but none that can let me play games online!" So she buys one, and names it Fluffy. She goes online to the website, pays whatever fees are involved with the account, and plays a bunch of crappy games. Tiffany has a friend named Shafawnda. Shafawnda sees Tiffany playing this crappy games and thinks, "Wow cool! I have a bunch of worthless stuffed animals, but none that make me pay for another one every year I own it!"
That's right, according to the WebKinz FAQ page, "At the end of the year, you can adopt a new pet onto your Webkinz World account. This will renew your account and all the Webkinz pets on it for one more year. Each time you adopt a new Webkinz pet, your account will be extended for a year from the date of adoption. Please note that the years are not cumulative." (http://www.webkinz.com/us_en/faq_parents.html)
So now not only is your child going to want another worthless stuffed animal, they're going to want another one, every f-in year!
Now Shafawnda, what she doesn't realize, is if she just used a little bit of her brain power (it's in there, I promise you) she could've found these games ANYWHERE else on the web, for f-f-free!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I beg you, do NOT buy WebKinz for yourself or your children. By doing so you would be helping WebKins meet their goal: To destroy the world, one cute cuddly stuffed animal at a time.


To the WebKinz Company: Don't Shoot the Messenger.

Sleeping Late

It's summer time, and that means I'm sleeping later and later. Today, I woke up and it was already 11 o'clock. If you've never slept late before, you should try it. They say that sleeping late is unhealthy, but don't listen to them. If anything, it's healthier! Here's why: Sleeping late, allows you to skip breakfast, and have a larger lunch. EVERYONE knows that breakfast makes people fat. Ever heard of buttermilk pancakes, or BACON!!! These things clog the arteries. By removing this dangerous meal from your diet, you're guaranteed to live 6 more years. However, because you sleep longer, you really only gaing 4 years. (WARNING: Do not Take the Medical Advise of an Adolecent Blogger. Consult Your Doctor Before Making Any Changes To Your Diet!)
Now that you're more fit, your able to enjoy your sleep better. No more getting out of breath from the tossing and turning. You're newfound energy will help you to increase your sleep endurance. Let me tell you, it's not easy. Sometimes I'll wake up in a full sweat. And I just need to lie down to rest. My doctor says this extra exertion of trying to stay asleep may be unhealthy... So for tomorrow's blog I'll tell you all about the health benifits of staying awake forever!

Today's Question: Is it better to really have to go to the bathroom, but be in a situation where you have to hold it, or be free to go to the restroom, and then not be able to go when you get there...

Action Movies

Today I watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade with my friends (if you've never seen it, what the heck is wrong with you, and while you're at it, although it's not a action movie, you gotta watch Silence of the Lambs... but i digress) and you know what, it reminded me what's wrong with every single action movie ever created.
Let me give you a senario:
A wide shot on our Hero name Xavier Torrez, FBI Agent, CIA Agent, Police Officer, and Part Time Pizza Delivery Man. Across from him stands his arch nemisis, Carl, who's really mean. Cut to a close shot of Xavier.
Xavier: We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
Cut to shot of Carl, who pulls out a bazooka. He Loads it.
Cut to close shot of Xavier. He squints his eyes.
Xavier: Wrong choice
BOOM! Carl launches the rocket and narrowly misses Xavier. Now Xavier Pulls out his gun, but before he can shoot, Carl launches another rocket. Xavier dives out of the way and almost gets hit again. He shoots at Carl but misses. Now Carl Has a Machine Gun. Xavier Climbs into a car to drive away. Carl shoot a ton of bullets at Xavier, completely missing, but exploding the car. Xavier somehow makes it out, and takes three more shots in Carls direction. Carl pulls out a revolver and takes two shots. Suddenly Xavier sees everything really slowly, and for some reason, is really flexible, so he just limbos out of the way of the bullets, stands up, and shoots the crap out of Carl.

I think you can see the flaw in this senario. The hero always wins. ALWAYS. And not only does he win, he always wins by just a little bit. It's rediculous. If he gets shot, he'll just rip the bullet out and then have a burst of energy, or he'll just like be magically healed. It's kinda annoying. Just once i'd like to see one wear the hero dies. Painfully. Or the bad guy, has incredible aim. So he shoots out the heros kneecaps, but before he make the hero suffer, the hero will shoot back. That'll be more realistic. Or at least, make them miss a little less...
That's it. That's my rant, I don't have any more...


Update on the P'zone: It owned
Update on Onions: They're Perfect
Special Announcment about this blog: Won't be posting anything on Saturdays
Question to consider: You really need a new pair of shoes, because the ground is littered with glass. So you go to the mall. And the shoe store is on the second floor. But much to your dismay, the escalator is broken, what will you do?

P'Zonin!

It's only noon, and I already know that today is going to be a crazy awesome (and massively delicious?) day, because just a few minutes ago I ordered the one, the only, Pizza Hut P'Zone.
Now in case you don't know what a P'Zone is, let me explain. Although I have never had one, the commercials make it look like the culinary experience of a life time. A P'Zone is a pizza, wrapped in itself. It is the crust, then inside OVER A POUND of cheesey topping goodness (according to the commercials about 1.7 pounds.)
I went with three of the most perfect topping of all time. Those of course being Peppers, Onions, and Mushrooms. This trifecta of toppingness is commonly refered to as "Heaven, on a Pie." If you're lucky, you'll get the sweet crunch of the pepper, the bitter kind of spicy crunch of the onion, and the squishy deliciousness of the onion. Each topping by itself would be enough, but all together, it's a meal to die for (I hope I don't.)
Now that your tastebuds are going crazy, I get to the sad part of this P'Zoning day. I must wait another 40 minutes for this experience. So now I bid the fare well, until the P'Zonin gets done.

In Tomorrows Blog I will (possibly) Explain the Amazingness of the Onion.

A Day Late...

Before I begin I would like to extend my sincerest apologies. I know that this blog is but a babe, and for me to miss a day so soon is not proper blogging behavior, but I digress.

Yesterday was quite a day. In the morning, we took my sister to the airport. She's going to Israel for 3 weeks, which is pretty intense. Anyways, we get to the airport, and she gets inline to talk to a security officer. And she starts talking to the lady. And she's talking, and she's talking, and she's talking. And everyone else has already gone through but she's still talking to the lady. And my sister hands her her cell phone (we got her an israeli one so she could use it there) and the lady walks away with it! So my sister is just standing there without her phone, when the lady comes back and hands her cell phone back, but says that she cannot have the charger because they have to X-Ray it. Well, my family has to leave because we can't stay there forever, but my sister's charger is still somewhere with a bomb squad. (Don't worry, she gets it back, it was just stressful)
My family and I go into the City (NYC) and... well. I don't know where you live, but if you've never gone to NYC let me explain how it works getting in. When you're coming from New Jersey, which for my family is a smart way of getting into Manhattan, you've really only got two options: The Lincoln Tunnel, and the George Washington Bridge. (Another small digression. I have a feeling that someone didn't like Abe Lincoln very much, or at least like George Washington more, because they sent Lincoln to "Davey Jones Locker" and gave Georgy the prestige of being visible.) Anyways, we turned the radio on to 1010 winns to listen to the traffic. We were just coming to the fork in the road where we had to decide, and the traffic man had not gotten to either the Lincoln or the GWB yet so we just choose the bridge becuase we had to make up our minds. Literally, as we made the decision the man says "And if you're heading into the city you'll want to take the Lincoln Tunnel. Expect 30 Minute Delays on the Bridge..." Do you know that feeling when you know you're approaching something terrible, but you can't turn around. That's the feeling we had.
Ok. So we get into the city. And I <3 NY. The sights, the sounds, everything is pretty crazy awesome. So we park the car go for a little walk and suddenly the heavens open up and dump a whole sh*** load of water on our heads. So my mom and I weih 30 pounds more, so we run into a museum, the American Museum of Natural History to be Exact.
I give this museum a 4/10. For starters it's impossible to find the general admissions counter. Once you get there and you pay whatever you want (it's a suggested price so it doesn't matter. ie: we paid a buck when the suggested price said we should pay 20), you of course ask for a map. Well you gotta go someplace else for the map. And once you get there, you need to go to the bathroom. So you ask this security guard and he sends you down the hall. When you get there, there's no bathroom, so you ask another security guard and they send you back the way you came.
Okay, all bathroomed out, you decide "I want to see the Hall of Human Origins." So get ready to walk about 1/4 of a mile to a place with some bones and crap. If you plan on going to this exhibit do not bring young children, because the wax models are VERY anatomically correct. The amount of grown adults (male and female ) I head utter the words "nice tits," or "nice rack," is tremendous.
So you may be asking, where would I take young kids in this museum? Answer: To the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Not the Musuem of Natural History, because it will scar your children for the rest of their lives. For example, does your child like deer? Great. You can take them to see a dead stuffed one in a class cage next to a plastic christmas tree. Does your kid always play with trains? Great. You can take him to see practically the same train he plays with, in a glass case, where he can't play with it. Want to see a movie? Be prepared to pay as much as 36 dollars for 2 adults.
One thing led to another (and anyways this post is getting a little lengthy) and my family came home. We beat the traffic coming back on the GWB, and listented to the Mets beat the Giants
5-0. All in all it was an INTERESTING day...

It's the End of the World as we Know it!

Ladies and Gentlemen. It is my sad duty to inform you that the world is coming to and end. Only in a world on the edge of apocalypse, could the things happen that I have seen just in one sitting of television. Have you seen television before? It's hell in a box! Not only does it suck your time away behind it's colorful screen, it also lies. It is impossible, that the Mets would beat the Phillies, ever, but on TV they've beat them a few times now. Taking peoples hopes and dreams like that is terrible. It's like building someone up just to tear them down. And if this alone is not destroying the earth, commericals are slowing destroying humanity as we know it. Have you seen the McDonald's commericals? Now we can have chicken... FOR BREAKFAST! I can see it now. Obesity explodes out of control. Buildings will crumble under the new weight of humans. If these atrocities weren't bad enough, I now have proof that global warming does not exsist. Weather irregularities are caused by the damage of the space time continuum created by televisions! Televisions have been bending the space time continuum for years. Ever seen an instant replay? Do you realize the damage it's doing to the earth!? Think about our atmosphere like a towel. Take a towel... got it? Great. Now wet it... is it wet? ok Step away from your computer and twist it. Did the water come out? Exactly! As the space time continuum is twisted by these hideous instant replays they scrunch up on the clouds, causing rain! Now keep twisting the towel. Eventually, it stops raining. And its harder to get it to hold water while its so twisted. That's right. The same twisting of the space time continuum that causes rain causes droughts.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we can stop these events in their tracks! Turn off your tv's and turn on the YouTube!

Telemarketer

Telemarketers are humans. They have carbon, and blood, and pulses... Usually, I'm very tolerant of them. What do I care. They're usually innocent college kids or strange middle aged Indians, just trying to get by. But today, I was ready to destroy the ones that called.
Telemarketers that call my house often call me ma'am. First of all, it's very polite for them to do so, because ma'am is a polite thing to say. However, seeing as I am male, it always feel like a shot at my manhood. So when the nice Indian man called and addressed me as my mother, I just said I was her like normal. I said I didn't want what ever the hell he was selling (cable television, life insurance, curry...etc.) and I hung up and went back to playing Madden '05 (where I was in the middle of creaming the Miami Dolphins) and scored another touch down. I was just kicking off when the phone rang again.
"No this isn't Sharon... This is her son... no I don't need cable... have a lovely day." I hung up on the guy, and maybe two second later, another person calls saying that I won a trip to like the bahamas. I hung up on them to. Doesn't the world know that it's the 3rd quarter and i'm about to destroy the dolphins!?
I sit down, upset, when the stupid phone rings again. That's it, i'm about to destroy this guy. Sure he's probably a nice person, just trying to sell me better internet, but it doesn't matter anymore, this is personal. Here is what i did, step by step so you can follow.
"Hello is this Sharon? Did you know by switching today your internet service provider today you can save hundreds?"
"Really? Tell me more!" (I said this really sarcastically...)
"Well you can-"
"What?"
"Did you know by switching today your internet service provider today you can save hundreds?"
(I wait a good 40 seconds)
"What?"
"Did you know by switching today your internet service provider today you can save hundreds?"
(Another 40 Seconds)
"Yes i knew that"
"Are you interested?
(maybe a minute... or two...)
"What?"
"Is there something wrong with your phone ma'am?"
(At this point i put down the phone, walk away and unpause my game. I do a QB Kneel and win the game. I take my time walking back to the phone. It's been about 3 minutes."
"What?"
"Did you know by switching today your internet service provider today you can save hundreds?"
I was laughing so hard i had to put down the phone.
Moral of the story, when life hands you a telemarketer, make fun of them.

Question of the day: Is it wrong to make fun of somebody you don't know? What if they're an animal? a Plant?